Birthday!

Yesterday, I sat down on a bench by York Minster, and realised ho much I've changed in the past month and a half. I have no real explanation as to why it's happened now, and not sooner or later, but I'm glad that it has.

It was my birthday yesterday, and I decided to treat myself to a new pair of glasses. The ones I wear at the moment are held together at the corner by a piece of tape, like Jack Duckworth. So I got a sight test, ordered some snazzy specs, and when I was done I treated myself to some lunch items from M&S, and I sat on my bench.

And as I sat there, I realised I was happy. Not worrying or stressing about anything at all. Just happy. It was only 10.30am, but I was peckish, so I opened my sandwich. Lochmuir poached salmon and watercress on oatmeal bread. Quite a lot of dill mayonnaise on there, but what the hell, birthday girls rule and they can have dill mayo. I sat and I ate. I ate and I sat.

How long does it take you to eat a sandwich? I used to eat one in about a minute flat before moving on to a samosa or pack of sushi. Then dessert. But I don't eat like that any more. My Lochmuir salmon sandwich took me around ten minutes to eat, as I sat there, savouring every mouthful. I really enjoyed it, and wasn't ashamed of enjoying it. There's nothing wrong, after all, with appreciating food. I also wasn't ashamed of eating in public, or imagining that people going past were thinking "Look at that fat woman eating at only half ten in the morning!" I didn't even know I used to have thoughts like that all the time, till I've managed to stop having them. It feels so different.

I don't think I've ever been quite as at peace with myself as I was sitting on that bench yesterday. Not since I was a kid.

I also realised that slowing down with my eating and changing my attitude towards food is also paying of in other areas of my life. Just as I was enjoying every bite of my sandwich, I was also enjoying every minute of being there, by the Minster, on my bench. I didn't feel like I was wasting time. I wasn't convinced I should actually be doing something else. I even felt that my use of time was productive. Do you know how long it is, since I've actually felt productive? Too long.

In the afternoon I treated myself to a look round one of my favourite York places, Treasurer's House, and generally had a me-day, till it was after school time and normal life was resumed. But what a great day. I like that my birthday falls exactly half way through the year. This year, I'm pretty happy with the way things are going :-)